2 years in and out of dating apps taught me some valuable lessons about myself. First and foremost that it’s time for me to quit, because they are not my dating scene. Online dating is a platform, where people are looking for instant gratification, and not willing to invest energy, effort and time to develop a working relationship. There are too many options, if somebody is not texting back in a certain timeframe, we are skipping to the next one. Not letting time for something meaningful to happen.
I’ve noticed that I started to become like this too, and I didn’t like it. I’m not a person who prefers instant things. I like to let it linger, as The Cranberries say. Yes, most of the time guys don’t even want more than something casual, and most of the time we’re not a match. There was no spark from one side or the other and this has almost nothing to do with appearance. This is something you can’t help. If there is no chemistry, tension or whatever you call it, there’s nothing to do.
I too am becoming lonely sometimes, other times I did it out of boredom, or because of the western society’s pressure that a girl HAS to find someone by the age of 33. I can’t say that I regret it because I have found some friends, travel buddies, fans, and yes, good and not so good sex. Furthermore I have learnt so much about myself and about my flaws and toxic personality traits, that this period was indeed a lesson.
“So you’re saying I’m gonna be single because I have too high standards emotionally. Well, you’re gonna end up divorced because you don’t.”
But this is not my #1 goal. It would be to find something that worth caring about. It’s like when a broker decides to invest in something. You assess the pros and cons about a potential future partner, and you decide whether to invest in them or not. You may hit the jackpot or lose everything. But there are some things helping you making the decision. Being good looking, taller, Mediterranean type, dark haired who is possibly wearing glasses always helped. This is my type, but the superficial things are only one side of the story. I’ve tried with more than one type, Hungarian, expat, foreigner who are not even living in this country. Being smart is not only a plus but a must. I’m definitely sapiosexual, as they say. High emotional intelligence is important as well, own life goals and humor. And most importantly to be ready to enter into a relationship. I became an expert in dating, it’s like job interviews, if you do it for long enough, you are getting confident, not giving a fuck about the outcome, feeling comfortable and have nothing to lose and start enjoying it for the sake of gaining experiences.
But after a while it becomes time consuming and boring and seems to be a waste of time. This is why I stopped. I learned my lesson. I know now what I don’t want and what are the fields I have to improve in. My best friend says that on these apps only people with some mental problems can be found. Well, that may be true, I don’t want to be an emotional punching bag, an experiment, a healer, a confidence-booster, a psychologist, a fuck-buddy or a penpal. These apps are supposed to make dating easier, but in reality they are causing more damage than benefits. All the personal contact has been lost, things are happening way too fast, we are basically experiencing a whole relationship in a few weeks or even less. We are looking for the red flags and what could possibly ruin the relationship instead of focusing to the excitement of the beginning period what should be the most beautiful of all. And instead of putting our energies into getting to know the other one we are pushing them away so they can’t hurt us.
I have to admit that every story has two sides though. I have some issues myself I have to work on. And as I’m a person who always seeks for self-improvement I like to analyze the situations post factum. I have been told these things and I took it into consideration:
- I am too needy – Yes, I do have needs. I’m not giving 50-50 in the relationships but I’m giving 110%. Let me expect something in return. I’m not talking about money, or stuff, because I never cared about these things. But if I’m giving my attention and my time – which is just as precious as yours – I will not be happy with some attention-breadcrumbs you’re throwing at me. I may express my needs in a wrong way though, I need to work on the way of my communication.
- I should lower my standards – Why? This is all I’m asking. In order to be able to say that I have somebody? No thanks. Relationships and marriage are very sacred things to me. Why should I settle for less than I deserve, and why should I be happy with half-ass men who are emotionally unavailable, can’t or don’t want to give me what I need? If this is the price I have to pay not to be single, no thanks. I should be more cautious with my pre-judgements though, and to consider getting into a relationship with a man I don’t like too much in the first place.
- I’m rushing things – That’s true as it is. I’m thinking fast, feeling fast and my bullshit-tolerance is way too low by now. Men in general are not too fast with making decisions. That’s something I wish to learn from them because being fast isn’t always good. I’m also a Sagittarius woman who makes decisions way too fast by nature. I think I give enough time for a man to acknowledge what he has in his hands, and if he’s not seeing it the door is opened. It won’t be me who has to live with regrets. Although if I feel that the interest and the willingness to invest in each other is mutual I can be very patient and easy-going. Again: my give-a-fuck-o-meter is on all the time and I’m spotting lies and uncertainty very fast and therefore I don’t like to waste my time or the other party’s even. If I sense that things won’t work out on a longer run, I cut guys off. And I’m an empath so trust me on that.
- I’m too good to be true and they don’t deserve me – This is something those guys say who are not sure about themselves and more importantly not sure about me. Yes, I know my worth – I’m bright, cheerful, good in bed and at the kitchen, humorous, I can be very kind-hearted and a natural born fighter on every field of life – It depends on your behaviour which sides of me you’re allowed to see. You may uncover my dark ones too, it’s up to you. I can be equally impatient, boring, non-spontaneous, analyzing or nervous. So I’m definitely not too good to be true. On the contrary, I’m real as fuck. And it’s my raw honesty that may drive you crazy.
- I’m too controlling – Being controlling is not always a bad thing. It means that I’m taking the lead at times. This is who I am, I’m very good in organizing. The problem is that I can’t always find the balance. I like to let men be men, and I don’t like to do their job, chasing, pleasing etc.. Being single for a long time inevitably involves independence. So I’m working on balancing these things.
- I have an attitude and a short temper – I’d rather say that I have a quick reaction to bullshit. To bullshits, to lies, hiding things, to disrespect, to the lack of investment. Patience is something I’m constantly working on. Not only in terms of relationships, but I’m not a very patient person in general. I’m working on my anger-management, I need a very patient and brave man though I’m aware of that.
- I’m too strong and independent – I can only say that I had no choice in my life than being strong and independent. Those who know me know what I’m talking about. I was very sick a few years ago and the recovery process took a lot of time and energy. I wasn’t born in Hungary, and life is always harder for those who are living in a different country. I’m living on my own. These three would be enough to justify my strength. But why should I apologize for not needing somebody to save me? “Eni doesn’t need a man. She wants a man.” That sentence echoes in my head ever since I’ve heard it. It only means for me that I’m not expecting somebody to solve my life and to compensate my self-love deficit. But I also admit that I’m not always channelling it well, and it may seem that I don’t even want a man in my life, when I do. Just not on every cost.
“I’m not here for your entertainment, you don’t really wanna mess with me tonight. Keep your drink and gimme the money, just you and your hand tonight!” – Pink – U and ur hand
This is how I feel about dating now, and online dating especially. I’m getting tired and from now on I’m just going with the flow. I’m not forcing or rushing anything. I know my worth. I’m a black belt overthinker and I always want to analyze the situation, think about what I could have done better and improve. I realized that I can talk to guys much more freely when I’m not involved emotionally. If I’m not attracted to them, I can be myself, no awkwardness, no rush, no forcing, no expectations. So from now on I will change the game, and talk to anyone as if I’m not interested. And be the easy-going girl who has so much to offer (I have been told this as well) who I am for real. I tend to forget who I am and what kind of values could I add to a relationship. Some guys don’t like smart women because they feel their own manliness threatened. That’s a natural filter all of us strong girls should use. I’m not apologizing for who I am anymore. If you are not ready for what I can offer, please don’t waste my time. If you want something real you know where to find me.
So.. Do I believe in love? Fuck yeah! Do I believe that it can be found online? For some people yes. I know couples who met online, that’s just a way to meet in the 21st century. But dating apps are not my way.
I have been told one more thing which overwrites all of the above. That for the right person you’ll be just as good as you are. Not too much, not too less. The perfect balance of sweet and salty. So yeah, work on yourself to be the best person you can possibly be and have a good relationship with yourself first. Self-love is important so the right person can fall for you too. Even online…
My online relationship coaches:
Matthew Hussey, Derick Jaxn, Stephan Labossiere